Less than thesping - Game of Thrones bad acting roll-call

Warning: Spoiler Alert! And by that, I mean not only will I allude to things that happened in Season 4, but my churlishness may lead to accusations of being a spoil-sport.

Friends of ours who are fellow fans of Game of Thrones are divided over Season 4.

“It was filler. It’s setting the story up for later seasons.”

“It was boring.”

“It had too many scenes of women being abused. More rape than I was comfortable watching in a TV show – even if it IS HBO.”

“Best fight scenes ever.”

“Joffrey gets it. Awse.”

“There were too many stories competing for our interest.”

Having just finished watching Season 4 on DVD (yes, Muddy and I are the only people left who buy and watch TV shows LEGALLY), I concur with all of these comments. My love for the show hasn’t diminished at all, but it was difficult to stay focused some of the time because of the strange ebb and flow of the story and the introduction of sidebar characters. Season 4 was the proverbial mixed bag of nuts – some salted roast cashews mixed in with the stale raw hazelnuts.

One thing I noticed, and not for the first time, is how unreliable the acting is throughout the show. Some actors are consistently good while others are consistently awful. In this regard, Game of Thrones is not unlike Rome or The Tudors – people are cast according to acting skill, OR how they fill out (or fall out of) a toga/caftan/starched neck ruff/full body armour OR their sheer physicality OR to satisfy the local actors’ union equity rules. In small roles, it’s not really an issue, but when you have a pivotal character played by an oxygenated mannequin, you’re in trouble.

So, here is my list of the Top 5 Best Actors on Game of Thrones and the Top 5 Crappiest Actors on Game of Thrones (who aren’t bad enough to bring down a whole show, but bad enough to warrant making it to this list).

Top 5 Best Actors

1.       Charles Dance (Tywin Lannister). Whether skinning a deer while lecturing his shallow pretty-boy son about his responsibilities, or quizzing his dumb-arse grandson about what makes a good king, Dance makes acting your pants off look easy. He has presence, a steely blue-eyed gaze and the automatic respect of the other characters in the show, as well as the audience. But even when he’s not reminding everyone who’s boss of King’s Landing, Dance exposes his character’s weakness and vulnerability just as effectively – and more subtly. In Season 1, when he faces off against Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) over a long table and carafe of wine, you see Tywin’s dawning awareness that this ‘imp’, this monster he despises, might actually be the smart, strategic son Jaime will never be. In Season 4, when Cersei confesses she’s been shagging her brother and her children are not Baratheons, you can sense the split-second of hesitation before Tywin remembers who he is and hits Green on his Denial Button. Face it - who else but Charles Dance could look dignified while getting killed on the bog.

2.       Iain Glen  (Ser Jorah Mormont).  I will confess to being a long-time fan of Iain Glen since watching him in the television show The Fear. The very pretty, feline blonde 80s hottie has morphed into a ruggedly handsome and weather-beaten middle-aged man. The leading man potential he showed in the 80s has dimmed, relegating him to supporting status in television and independent films. No matter, he still possesses more actorly authority in his little finger than most actors working today – or the ones on Game of Thrones. Ser Jorah’s guilty feelings over his initial deceit, his open admiration for Dani as he gently coaches her in the ways of Realpolitik and his suppressed love for her are wonderful to watch. Glen mines the character’s ambiguity to great effect. It was heartbreaking to see the dismay (followed immediately by stoic acceptance) on his face when he was finally exposed and confronted for his betrayal at the end of Season 4. How does one face convey so much conflicting emotion so well?

3.       Dame Diana Rigg (Olenna Tyrell). No explanations required. Dame Diana’s matriarch makes all the pretty young things look amateurish and strained. Only Natalie Dormer’s Margaery can hold her own in a one-to-one with this talented old bird. Watching Diana Rigg and Charles Dance do their joint thesping thing is a joy to behold.

4.       Aidan Gillen  (Lord Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish). The part of King's Landing’s chief pimp and money-grubber is the tastiest one on the show (with Varys the eunuch a close second), so theoretically, the worst actor in the world couldn’t fuck this up. Thank God then for Aidan Gillen, who most certainly can act and put on a flat, regionless BBC accent that cleverly conceals his Irish brogue (as thick as just-poured Guinness), but only some of the time – his ‘r’s have that lovely Celtic drag. Scumbag procurer, betrayer, casual murderer and bullshit artist of the first order, Gillen’s Littlefinger is really just the emotionally wounded little boy channelling his childish fury at Catelyn Stark for failing to notice him. Could the whole problems of Westeros be sheeted to one tiny nerd who hasn’t got over being ignored by the most popular girl in school?

5.       Liam Cunningham  (Davos Seaworth). A wonderful presence and great foil to the also terrific but woefully underused Stephen Dillane (Stannis Baratheon). Where Dillane is expected to do no more than scowl 24/7 (proving Stannis is little more than a cipher and giving Dillane nothing to work with), Cunningham’s Seaworth is the wily, scrappy, second-in-charge who has to use everything in his arsenal to convince his boss to stop being a dickhead. His scenes with Stannis’ adorable daughter Shireen in Seasons 3 and 4 provide warmth and much-needed light relief – they’re two wise old souls shaking their heads at everybody else’s stupidity and susceptibility.

Special mentions: Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister); Peter Vaughan (Blind Maester Aemon Targaryen) and Natalie Dormer (Margaery Tyrell).

Top 5 Worst Actors

1.       Lena Headey (Cersei Baratheon nee Lannister) There’s no doubt this woman looks great in a quasi-medieval gown – she’s tall, has good posture and a graceful neck. She wears her wig of tresses with aplomb. But Lena Headey is a seriously crappy actress. It’s easy to say Cersei is a straightforward evil conniving bitch - all Headey has to do is deliver her mean lines in a mean voice and take mean slurps of wine in between mean pauses. Wrong. Cersei’s also a clever, strategic woman justifiably bitter at being underestimated by her father, husband, brother and just about every other bloke she comes across. There’s complexity in the character - but absolutely none in Headey’s performance. Hell, there’s more complexity in the red cordial she sloshes around. To paraphrase Homer Simpson, her acting ‘has two moves’: Eyebrows Knit 1 and Eyebrows Purl 1.

2.       Emilia Clarke  (Daenerys ‘Dani’ Targaryen). Oh boy. From her Season 1 performance as a stunned mullet child-bride to her Season 4 performance as a stunned mullet child-queen, Ms Clarke has displayed the complex range of emotions expected from someone hired because she looks great in cut-out dresses. These emotions consist of “Blink”, “Don’t-Blink”, “Dead-eyed Stare” and “Vaguely Worried”. Her uber-femininity set against the physicality of the Dothrakis highlighted her vulnerability in Season 1, but Dani’s evolution from scared pawn to scary Empress needs a defter actress – especially someone who can hold her own against two acting stalwarts Iain Glen and Ian McElhinney (Ser Barristan Selmy).

3.       Kit Harington  (Jon Snow). He rocks a beard and a mane of hair and wears his armour well, but I will continue to call him “Fifty Shades of Frown”. He broods and he fumes. He does fuck-all else. He and Lena Headey should challenge each other to a brow-off.

4.       Gwendoline Christie  (Brienne of Tarth). I don’t want her on this list, really. She’s such a one-of-a-kind presence – huge at 6’3” and built like the proverbial brick shithouse – and has been mentored by the likes of acting legend Simon Callow, but she is a severely limited actress. To be fair, not much is asked for her except that she look impressive in her gear and ride a horse convincingly, be honourable and steadfast and all that chivalrous shit. But still, her acting arsenal consists of frowning, fuming and clenching her jaw. Not unlike Kit Harington (Jon Snow).

5.       Nathalie Emmanuel (Missandei). She keeps excellent company with Emilia Clarke which is probably why she was cast as Dani Targaryen’s scribe/interpreter. Proof you can land an acting gig on any tits-and-toga / sword-and-sorcery / butts-and-battles HBO epic provided you can go bra-less.

Special mentions: Isaac Hempstead-Wright (Bran Stark) and Sibel Kekilli (Shae). 

My Top 5 current taste sensations - or Flavours ‘White People’ Might Like.

Food festivals, high-end restaurant openings, food trucks, open-air farmers’ markets, casserole contests, craft brewery tours, wine weekends, cider nights and “tasting flights” - you can’t open the weekend papers without stumbling across some food-related event in Melbourne’s lanes, some far-flung suburb or depressed country town trying to reinvent itself as a tourist destination. You could be forgiven for thinking we are a culture that places food and dining above all other entertainments – even sport. Crazy, right?

I don’t mind a posh restaurant experience, a lazy and luxurious brunch, a whiskey and cheese pairing or a long drive to a 2-day food and wine festival, but sometimes I like to bring the odd exotic ingredient home for a spot of culinary experimentalism, enjoyed solo in my jim-jams or with Muddy K in front of the idiot box. So, let me share with you my current top 5 taste obsessions:

1. My mother’s dried oregano. She grows it, dries and preserves it according to the traditional method from her childhood.  This stuff is great on lamb, in a bowl of oil for bread-dipping or sprinkled on pita bread before being toasted in the oven. Makes the store-bought stuff seem stale and pale.

2. Truffles – and that includes truffle oil and truffle honey. A whole truffle isn’t cheap, so be strategic - go ‘groupsies’ with a couple of other people and share the earthy goodness of this fabulous fungus. Use truffle oil very sparingly and only when you can’t get/afford the real, fresh thing – truffle oil is amazing on cheesy pasta or scrambled eggs. Truffle-infused honey is delicious drizzled over blue cheese or Brie and makes a change from fruit pastes on a cheeseboard. Again, use sparingly.

3. Salt – pink Murray River salt, chilli-and-lime infused salt, black salt from Cyprus or plain old Kosher salt. Since doing sugar-free Febfast, I have rediscovered my love-affair with salt and reignited my “savoury tooth”. Suitable on EVERYTHING.

4. Ras-el-hanout – a Moroccan spice-blend, which translated means ‘top of the shop’ or ‘best of the market’.  Spice merchants in North Africa sell their own special blends and guard the ingredients and proportions jealously. It traditionally contains no fewer than 12 separate spices – a standard blend includes cumin, coriander, cardamom, cinnamon and ginger. You can make it yourself or buy a good quality pre-mix from a specialty food store or deli. This is a fantastic spice rub for lamb or chicken, is great in casseroles, in sautéed meatballs or in a warm rice salad.

5. Rice syrup or rice malt syrup – a low-fructose alternative to honey or maple-syrup, for those last vestiges of a sweet-tooth and baking. Be warned, the jury is still out on the overall health benefits – it actually contains more calories and has a higher glycemic index than other sweet syrups. The low fructose factor is what it has going for it.

Febfast is over!

Howdy Peeps.

I did it! Yay! Febfast is well and truly over. I did not lapse or slip. I lost 2cms off my waist and have taken the edge off my sweet tooth. I have rediscovered my love for salty, spicy foods, Greek cheeses and plain sparkling mineral water with a lemon twist.

I am also heartily sick of avocados.

Febfast update - Day 12

Howdy folks – I have made it to Day 12 of Febfast, and can safely say I am feeling slightly less yukky than I was two days ago thank you for asking.

I don't really adhere to the whole 'detox' ethos/philosophy/trend (frankly, if you poo and wee, you are already 'detoxing' thank you 'Doctor' Woo-woo), but going cold turkey on sucrose, fructose and sugar substitutes (both natural and chemical) has seriously messed with my energy levels.

Up until two days ago I was utterly knackered, bushed, stuffed and plain flat-out exhausted 24 hours a day, as well as nauseous, head-achey and listless. Add some weird hallucinatory dreams, sharp neck pains and painful stomach cramps to the mix and it's not unlike being knocked over by the ‘flu. It was just too hard to get dressed, wear make-up, fix my hair and tap on a keyboard.

Is this real? Could there be something in this? Is sugar really so-called ‘white poison’?

I have been assured by friends and colleagues who have given up sugar that the symptoms are to be expected and will go away once my body adjusts to the combined lack of stimulant and drastic drop in calories. I keep getting told I will feel ‘marvellous’ in a few days. I certainly hope so.

In the meantime, a few observations I’d like to share:

• There’s nothing like a fast to make you crave other stuff – like cheese, cheese, cheese, cream, salt, smoked salmon(!), cheese, and more cheese. I have rediscovered my love affair for Danish Havarti, Greek Kaseri, Dutch Gouda and Swiss Gruyere. Yum.
  

• Avocado tastes good on ANYTHING. Especially when smashed up with fetta and lemon juice.
  

• Health food shop breads are bloody expensive but if you get a good brand, bloody delicious! Wupperthaler is still the best, and makes great toast – and cheese toasties. Mmm…cheese.
  

• Check the labels on EVERYTHING. AVOID anything that has ‘sugar’ in the ‘added ingredients’ but don’t fret if you see ‘sugar’ in the nutritional values table.
  

• Rice crackers are delicious with a good-quality deli, sugar-free (or better, yet – home-made) hummous.
  

Meanwhile, I’ve hardly noticed the lack of alcohol. Bizarre.

Febfast update - Day 3

Welcome to the first Febfast update. Today is Day Three, and so far, so good.

Temptations? Yes. Lapses? No.

Most of you are probably thinking "I should think so, it's Day Three!", but bear in mind, Sunday (which was Day One) usually means carbs-heavy breakfasts and weekend treats.

Sunday Yum Cha at Gold Leaf in Preston was a challenge – it meant sticking to steamed seafood and pork dim sum and laying off the condiments and dipping sauces. Dinner at Slim Venetian’s was a multi-course extravaganza – with no dessert. Monday night was Moofie Night at Cinema Nova with Muddy K – Choc-top denied!!!!

And I didn’t do a ‘last hurrah’ blow-out on Saturday night either…

Seriously, it will be interesting to see how the next 26 days pan out.

Booze-free is easy. The benefits (financial, social and physical) are obvious and immediate, especially after the inevitable ickiness that follows the holidays or an indulgent vacation.

Sugar’s the real killer – it’s in more stuff than you realise. The weird thing is that it is added to so many savoury items and staples - most commercial breads, crackers, ‘savoury’ sandwich spreads and condiments, even flavoured tinned tunas (yep!)…

I shudder when I recall last Feb was spent rampaging through NYC’s delis, markets, doughnut shops, diners, bodegas, restaurants and bars, scoffing crème-brulee doughnuts, NY cheesecake and chocolate Babka and quaffing lethal cocktails, Malbec and craft beers.

In the meantime, if you feel so inclined, please visit my fundraising page and leave a donation or just a message of support if you haven’t already.

https://secure.febfast.org/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?registrationID=846914&langPref=en-CA