Bake in time. Retro-bakeries are ripe for a comeback.

In an era of chandeliered cupcakes and other pornographised pastries (the word of choice being 'artisanal' - which sounds a lot like arse-anal. Just sayin'), it's refreshing to come across two suburban cake shops / bakeries that make the old-school cakes and biscuits of my childhood.Sans pimped-up hipsterised, de-glutenised, veganised twists.

The real deal.

Sargent's Cakes in Reservoir (Melbourne's North) and Trianon Cakes  in Hawthorn (Melbourne's East) are two unassuming, unpretentious and downright daggy bakeries that take you back to the days before multi-tiered cupcakes the size of a human head and bread rolls made with 43 varieties of organic/heirloom/sustainable/single source grains started assaulting our palates - and our wallets.

Sargent's specialises in cream-filled light-as sponges that will take off if you don't hold them tightly, as well as retro staples like Lamingtons and Swiss rolls. They have a simple, easy-to-navigate website (so they’re not entirely behind the times) with heaps of photos and order forms for specialty and novelty cakes. Their savouries are also amazing. (But yes, they too have succumbed to the lure of the outsized cupcake...).

Trianon offers tangy apple slices, Lamingtons, tarts (custard, lemon and jam), cinnamon donuts (and the more elaborate cinnamon twist), chocolate éclairs, fruit buns and disappear-on-your-tongue meringues. Come Christmas, I know where I'll be going for my mince pies.

If you're heading North out of the city or eastwards on the way to the Dandenong ranges and need something to fill the picnic basket, trust me, they're worth the detour. 

No hipsters, no aspiring TV bake-off contestants and none of that vegan crapola.