No-one told me this! Middle-aged disorders you never knew about until now.

Lately I’ve been wondering if I should start my own version of the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - tool used by mental health professionals), which carefully and methodically lists all the weird mental stuff you experience when you hit middle age.

I don’t wish to belittle the seriousness of Narcissistic Personality or Acute Stress or Adjustment disorders, it’s just that I find there are some conditions which begin to afflict us in middle-age, conditions which disrupt our daily lives, which require identification and description. Followed by compassion and understanding…

Here goes:

Laundry Alzheimer’s  - decided to take advantage of off-peak power rates and put on a load of whites overnight? Went to work the next morning and forgot all about them? Suddenly remembered them when you got home after work and then forgot about them again until after dinner? If this is happening to you, you have Laundry Alzheimer’s – closely related to Ironing ‘Did I turn it off?’ Dementia.

Audial Deprivation Rage – when you shout into a wardrobe, under a hot shower, over a flushing toilet, into a cupboard or while bending over a sock drawer, yet still believe your spouse can comfortably hear and understand you three rooms away AND THEN GETTING ANGRY WHEN THEY CAN’T is insane. It’s not them, it’s you. You are the crazy one. Deal. (In this case, I need to deal… my deepest apologies, Muddy.)

Parking Fee Payment Syndrome  –  this begins with a strange involuntary spasm that courses through your body when you see what you’re expected to pay for a couple of hours of parking at the airport, hospitals, CBD etc. It then culminates in 20 minutes of misted-over vision, mild Tourette’s and excessive gripping of the steering wheel upon exiting the parking lot.

Special mentions:  If I Buy Online I Save 20 Cents Mania; Aldiphillia (and the related Costcophillia); Underwear Purchase Trauma.