What do you really need? A grand, unifying theory of Dustiness.

Fans of HBO’s Bored to Death will recall the Season Two sub-plot regarding George Christopher’s prostate cancer scare. When advised by his urologist that he will need to have his prostate removed, George wails:

“I’ve never had anything removed  before. I mean like my appendix, tonsils, wisdom teeth. I hold on to everything. I’m like a hoarder I guess, I’m like completely intact.”

It’s poignant and sweet and typical of the character -  a charming, loveably greedy and unapologetic sybarite who wants EVERYTHING, NOW. He yields nothing – not drugs, not women, not fine dining, not the wielding of cultural influence in America’s most exciting city, New York – in his never-ending efforts to wring every last drop of excitement out of life.

For George, the loss of his prostate equals the loss of sex and pleasure, not the prospect of a longer life. Let’s face it, what’s the point of a few extra years if you have to give up the fun stuff to earn them?

This is a question I’ve been grappling with since turning 40 (3-and-a-bit years ago). Not specifically about mortality, but rather, what’s truly important in life? What can you divest yourself of and what do you really need to live a contented, meaningful life? Do you want to spend your days working or playing?

These questions are not new. They are old and boring, a trifle self-indulgent and more than a wee bit ‘first world’. Nor am I truly any closer to having any answers to them. But I have been clumsily groping towards some kind of understanding about what matters and what doesn’t in life.

So after a few years spent ruminating and some serious consideration during the last year, here’s a list of what sort-of matters and what doesn’t. This is not in any particular order. It’s as much a stern reminder to me, as it is a list of answers to my questions, so sorry if it reads like admonition/finger-wagging advice-giving:

WHAT MATTERS

1. Time. How we spend it matters because once it’s gone we can’t get it back – so don’t waste it. Forget jumping into a wormhole or warp. Time is finite. Use it doing things you love, either solo or with people you respect and admire. Fill it with the things that fill you up and give you pleasure. Communicate clearly how you intend to spend your time to others if how you spend it affects them too. Manage expectations. Be punctual. Don’t be late if you can help it because that means you are stealing other people’s time. Don’t muck people about with last-minute cancellations/changes. And frankly in the era of mobile phones, a short text advising you have been delayed should be a given, not an afterthought.

2. People. Make an effort to connect meaningfully with friends, strangers, lovers and family throughout the year. Don’t wait for special occasions and don’t save it for the end-of-year family newsletter or Facebook update. Get on the phone and call people, email them, have coffee or a glass of wine with them. Ask them how they are. If they’re going through a tough time, be there for them. And I mean BE THERE. In person, with a drink, a cuppa or a kind word at the ready. Conversely, if there are friends and family who are pissing you off, taking you for granted or treating you disrespectfully, dump ‘em. Life’s too short (see 1. Time)

3. Beauty. Be it a rose bush in full bloom, a perfectly-poured dark beer in a tulip glass, a nice piece of woodworking or a well-crafted kitchen knife, surround yourself with beautiful, well-made things. Natural or man-made doesn’t matter. Quality is king. It lifts the heart and the spirits and ensures a job or task is well-done. Beauty can be acquired free, bought cheaply or expensively. Whatever – just fill your life with it. Toss the ugly.

4. Health. Exercise. Move frequently and regularly. Consume food, drugs and alcohol carefully and judiciously. Fast occasionally. Laugh. Share your emotional problems with a professional. Do brain puzzles. Read. Masturbate. Vaccinate. Have lots of sex with another person. Play scrabble. Learn chess. Watch good television and films. Take naps. Read good books. Listen to good music and LEARN THE WORDS PROPERLY. You only have the one body – and it includes your brain. Treat it with respect, invest time/money/effort in keeping it sound and it will reward you with calm, good sleep, productivity and energy.

5. Money. “Whaddaya mean ‘money’? Isn’t that materialistic? I thought you were getting all spiritual ‘n shit?” Yep. Money. By this I mean cold, hard cash, saved up and sitting in a bank account for a rainy day and as insurance/buffer for that day when you say “Enough is enough. I hate this job and want to go save the Amazon/boost the literacy levels of indigenous Australians/run a NFP café called The Golden Quince which teaches hospitality skills to unemployed ex-factory workers”. Make sure you have a year’s worth of living expenses – MINIMUM – in your bank account at any time. This doesn’t just insure you against injury or disability (by all means, get a policy for that if you’re not already covered), it insures you against brain snaps where you shove the proverbial 15” black rubber dildo in your manager’s face and tell him/her to go fuck him/herself before storming out of the office to reinvent yourself as an artisan cheese-maker. Money = Freedom = Autonomy.

6. Humanity (as a virtue). Say “please” and “thank-you” to wait-staff or anyone else who serves you. Be polite and deferential to your friends’ parents. Write real letters and send cards. Don’t forget birthdays. Don’t order “off the menu” if the restaurant is packed and the waiter looks harried, or if it’s a set menu arrangement. Don’t be a twat to people who serve you food. Unless you are a rock-star, knock that shit off. Think about the person you are buying gifts for. Conversely if you suspect your friends and family are struggling to find you that perfect something, tell them what you want. Be honest about how you feel but be careful about telling people how they should act. Don’t be a twat to your loved ones or colleagues. Give direct feedback in the moment or don’t give any at all. Clean up your own messes, but don’t be afraid to pitch in and clean up other people’s messes. Try not to be passive-aggressive. Shake hands and look people in the eye. Hug, kiss, touch and pat. Ignore the inappropriate erection.

WHAT DOESN’T MATTER

1. Status. When you’re punctual, friendly, polite, humane and fun to be around, what does it matter what you do for a crust? Stay the hell off Facebook. If you sit and compare your own achievements to those of your friends, you will go mad. Ignore parents, friends and family who are into that shit and whose conversation is all about “who does what and who earns what”. Dump ‘em (see 2. People)

2. Expensive possessions. Forget the Tag Heuer watch, the latest iPad yadda yadda. Money should buy you freedom and autonomy and escape from the things you don’t want to do, not more crap that fills your house up and needs replacing every two years. (See 5. Money)

3. Family. Let me explain – be good to your family and treat them well. But don’t forget: you didn’t ask to be born so you didn’t choose your relatives in the same way you chose your friends. If you genuinely love them, then treat them well and show them you care. If, however, they are awful people with whom you share nothing but a DNA link, then hanging around them just because culture/society/obligation dictates this is the ‘right thing to do’ is insane. You have nothing to feel guilty about just because you choose to spend your time with other people. Don’t hurt them. Consider your humanity. Don’t be a tool. But also, don’t feel ashamed or guilty for feeling the way you do. Avoid them if you must. It’s okay.

4. Missing out. If you feel overwhelmed by the amount of experiences on offer, the amount of information on the interwebs, the amount of cafes and dude-food restaurants in Melbourne’s Northern suburbs, the amount of hot, eligible singles in your suburb and the amount of craft beers on offer at your local taphouse that’s fine. Sometimes it’s hard to tune all that stuff out. But if you start getting upset or resentful about the prospect that you will never get to experience, read, eat, screw or drink everything that’s available, all I can say to you is ‘calm the fuck down’. Enjoy what you have and what is to hand. Stop pining or craving EVERYTHING, ‘cos you’re just not going to have it all. Be choosy. Be accepting. “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” That includes the burger you’re enjoying in St Kilda - so stop pining for the burger in Collingwood.

There it is, people. My grand unifying theory of Dustiness. I’m off to scour the interwebs for a suitable ‘toy’ to wave in my manager’s face while I think about where my next craft beer and burger are coming from.