Farewell Gough Whitlam (1916 - 2014)

Folks,

I was truly saddened by the death of former Australian Prime Minister Gough Whitlam yesterday morning. His extraordinary social agenda (universal health care and education), foreign policies (establishing diplomatic ties with China and abolishing conscription - thereby Australia's involvement in the Vietnam mire) and his recognition of Australian Aboriginal land rights ensure he will forever loom large in our country's political consciousness.

Here's a little something from 1969:

“When government makes opportunities for any of the citizens, it makes them for all the citizens. We are all diminished as citizens when any of us are poor. Poverty is a national waste as well as individual waste. We are all diminished when any of us are denied proper education. The nation is the poorer – a poorer economy, a poorer civilisation, because of this human and national waste.”

Remember, he burst on the scene in the late 1960s. Think about that for a minute.

He was a big man with a big voice, a big brain and a big vision. I love the fact that Gore Vidal thought he was our 'most intelligent Australian'. He was an unapologetic agnostic - a 'post-Christian' - (try selling American voters on the idea of a non-Christian, non-believing Head of State). He polarised people. To this day, you drop his name at a dinner party at your peril. If you're kindred spirits, there's nothing like the click of shared infatuation.

Which is why there's not a better time to buy, borrow or steal a copy of George Megalogenis' The Australian Moment, a fantastic political, social and economic history of Australia's last 40 years, essentially starting with the Whitlam years.

For people younger than me who struggle to understand why Gough Whitlam is such a polarising figure, this book sheds much-needed light (and startling objectivity) on the policies, people and power-shifts of Whitlam's tumultuous time in office. It smacks our collective - selective - memories in the face. Hard. Really fucking hard.

Get it, read it.

In the meantime, enjoy this one brilliantly witty rejoinder from the Big Man himself, upon being harangued by a pain-in-the-arse voter who wanted to know his position on abortion:

“Let me make quite clear that I am for abortion and, in your case Sir, we should make it retrospective.”

Gold.

RIP.

No-one told me this! Middle-aged disorders you never knew about until now.

Lately I’ve been wondering if I should start my own version of the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - tool used by mental health professionals), which carefully and methodically lists all the weird mental stuff you experience when you hit middle age.

I don’t wish to belittle the seriousness of Narcissistic Personality or Acute Stress or Adjustment disorders, it’s just that I find there are some conditions which begin to afflict us in middle-age, conditions which disrupt our daily lives, which require identification and description. Followed by compassion and understanding…

Here goes:

Laundry Alzheimer’s  - decided to take advantage of off-peak power rates and put on a load of whites overnight? Went to work the next morning and forgot all about them? Suddenly remembered them when you got home after work and then forgot about them again until after dinner? If this is happening to you, you have Laundry Alzheimer’s – closely related to Ironing ‘Did I turn it off?’ Dementia.

Audial Deprivation Rage – when you shout into a wardrobe, under a hot shower, over a flushing toilet, into a cupboard or while bending over a sock drawer, yet still believe your spouse can comfortably hear and understand you three rooms away AND THEN GETTING ANGRY WHEN THEY CAN’T is insane. It’s not them, it’s you. You are the crazy one. Deal. (In this case, I need to deal… my deepest apologies, Muddy.)

Parking Fee Payment Syndrome  –  this begins with a strange involuntary spasm that courses through your body when you see what you’re expected to pay for a couple of hours of parking at the airport, hospitals, CBD etc. It then culminates in 20 minutes of misted-over vision, mild Tourette’s and excessive gripping of the steering wheel upon exiting the parking lot.

Special mentions:  If I Buy Online I Save 20 Cents Mania; Aldiphillia (and the related Costcophillia); Underwear Purchase Trauma.

Carrot Margarita - sounds very wrong but tastes very very right...

Folks, I finally made good my promise to whip up a batch of Dusty V-styled carrot margaritas to enjoy with a group of friends (all of whom share a September birthday) over Sunday brunch.

The verdict: muchas tasty and perfect daytime drinking. A healthy veggie/fruit drink with just enough alcohol for a sunny Spring 'buzz'. Here is my recipe for a two-litre jug:

1. 600ml unflavoured Tequila
2. 400ml home-made Limoncello (in lieu of other citrus-based liqueurs, like Cointreau or Triple Sec)
3. 500ml fresh carrot juice (2 bags of carrots blitzed in a Sunbeam juicer - too many carrots for so little juice, I know...)
4. 500ml combined freshly squeezed orange and lime juice (about 5 medium-size Navel oranges and 3 big thin-skinned limes)

Mix thoroughly with a wooden spoon and leave to chill in the fridge for 30-60 mins before serving.

To serve, I used a square-based whiskey tumbler, rimmed in lime juice and black ‘Falksalt’ (flakes gently pulverised in the food processor to a fine grain) with a little Mexican chilli adorning the glass.

The ginormous ice-cube kept the drink cool without diluting its kick.

The verdict: 8 out of 10. Points deducted for the black salt turning the bright orange a murky colour after a few sips.

I have joined the ranks of Vistaprint.com-aholics. Help me.

I have to confess I've always regarded personalised Christmas cards and photo-based birthday invitations as more than a little cheesy, on a par with Round Robin Christmas updates and people who put turn baby photos into fridge magnets. I recall cringing every time Slim Venetian would send us photo frames made from family holiday snaps. Yes, you read correctly, photo frames made from photos. Postmodern and narcissistic, yes?

I swore I would never be one of those people. Ever.

Recently however, I wanted to make some personalised adhesive labels as a birthday gift for a friend who makes his own preserves (and has presented me with some amazing samples) and was stuck about how to do it and where to go. My brief to myself was: cheap, cheerful and not massive quantities, incorporating a low-res image, glossy stock and able to be delivered in a couple of weeks. Frustrated by my complete ignorance about where to start, I hassled a talented craft-fiend friend of mine who recommended I try Vistaprint.com. According to her, Vistaprint is "easy to use and very addictive. I use them all the time."

So I gave it a go.

I take issue with the first part of her statement as it took several goes and the eventual hands-on help of another talented craft-fiend friend to help me navigate the site and select a suitable template. After a few dodgy attempts, we found a cool template, uploaded an image to preview, selected a whizzy font, typed in the required text and voila - a page of sticky labels was born. Quick click to the shopping cart and checkout despite Vistaprint constantly prompting you with suggested added extras...(no thanks, I don't need the personalised desk calendar and shoe tree combo).

A week later, some really funky sticky labels arrived in my post office box. They are BEAUTIFUL and my chutney-making bud will most certainly love them!

Affordable? Quick? Excellent quality? Yes. Yes. Yes.

I have ordered and received graduation party invitations, another set of adhesive labels for me, and have two design projects ready to review.

Stop me before I stick my nephew’s face on a coffee mug.

Bullshit Bingo – Part 3

Just when you thought the incorrect use of nouns as verbs hit a new low with ‘impacting’ or ‘solutioning’ (very common in IT), here’s a ripper I heard at work yesterday:

‘performancing the network’.

Yep. A moronic, functionally illiterate boffin with IT guru pretensions ala Steve, Bill, Jeff et al and a half-filled thimble’s worth of charisma stood up at a workshop and talked about some soon-to-be-installed technology hardware / infrastructure with this very phrase.

Yep.  

Performancing the network.

He then walked his audience through a Powerpoint presentation  describing the process by which selected software would be tested on this new hardware. Second dot point read:

‘Selected subjects have been targeted for execution [in the test environment]’.

(Sigh)

It truly is a corporate (IT) jungle out there.