Fans of HBO’s Bored to
Death will recall the Season Two sub-plot regarding George Christopher’s
prostate cancer scare. When advised by his urologist that he will need to have
his prostate removed, George wails:
“I’ve never had anything removed before. I mean like my appendix, tonsils,
wisdom teeth. I hold on to everything. I’m like a hoarder I guess, I’m like
completely intact.”
It’s poignant and sweet and typical of the character - a charming, loveably greedy and unapologetic
sybarite who wants EVERYTHING, NOW. He yields nothing – not drugs, not women, not
fine dining, not the wielding of cultural influence in America’s most exciting
city, New York – in his never-ending efforts to wring every last drop of excitement
out of life.
For George, the loss of his prostate equals the loss of sex
and pleasure, not the prospect of a longer life. Let’s face it,
what’s the point of a few extra years if you have to give up the fun stuff to earn
them?
This is a question I’ve been grappling with since turning 40
(3-and-a-bit years ago). Not specifically about mortality, but rather, what’s
truly important in life? What can you divest yourself of
and what do you really need to live a contented, meaningful life? Do you want
to spend your days working or playing?
These questions are not new. They are old and boring, a
trifle self-indulgent and more than a wee bit ‘first world’. Nor am I truly any
closer to having any answers to them. But I have been clumsily groping towards
some kind of understanding about what matters and what doesn’t in life.
So after a few years spent ruminating and some serious
consideration during the last year, here’s a list of what sort-of matters and
what doesn’t. This is not in any particular order. It’s as much a stern
reminder to me, as it is a list of answers to my questions, so sorry if it
reads like admonition/finger-wagging advice-giving:
WHAT MATTERS
1. Time. How we
spend it matters because once it’s gone we can’t get it back – so don’t waste
it. Forget jumping into a wormhole or warp. Time is finite. Use it doing things
you love, either solo or with people you respect and admire. Fill it with the
things that fill you up and give you pleasure. Communicate clearly how you
intend to spend your time to others if how you spend it affects them too.
Manage expectations. Be punctual. Don’t be late if you can help it because that
means you are stealing other people’s time. Don’t muck people about with
last-minute cancellations/changes. And frankly in the era of mobile phones, a
short text advising you have been delayed should be a given, not an
afterthought.
2. People. Make
an effort to connect meaningfully with friends, strangers, lovers and family
throughout the year. Don’t wait for special occasions and don’t save it for
the end-of-year family newsletter or Facebook update. Get on the phone and call
people, email them, have coffee or a glass of wine with them. Ask them how they
are. If they’re going through a tough time, be there for them. And I mean BE
THERE. In person, with a drink, a cuppa or a kind word at the ready.
Conversely, if there are friends and family who are pissing you off, taking you
for granted or treating you disrespectfully, dump ‘em. Life’s too short (see 1.
Time)
3. Beauty. Be it
a rose bush in full bloom, a perfectly-poured dark beer in a tulip glass, a
nice piece of woodworking or a well-crafted kitchen knife, surround yourself with
beautiful, well-made things. Natural or man-made doesn’t matter. Quality is
king. It lifts the heart and the spirits and ensures a job or task is
well-done. Beauty can be acquired free, bought cheaply or expensively. Whatever
– just fill your life with it. Toss the ugly.
4. Health.
Exercise. Move frequently and regularly. Consume food, drugs and alcohol
carefully and judiciously. Fast occasionally. Laugh. Share your emotional
problems with a professional. Do brain puzzles. Read. Masturbate. Vaccinate.
Have lots of sex with another person. Play scrabble. Learn chess. Watch good
television and films. Take naps. Read good books. Listen to good music and
LEARN THE WORDS PROPERLY. You only have the one body – and it includes your
brain. Treat it with respect, invest time/money/effort in keeping it sound and
it will reward you with calm, good sleep, productivity and energy.
5. Money.
“Whaddaya mean ‘money’? Isn’t that materialistic? I thought you were getting
all spiritual ‘n shit?” Yep. Money. By this I mean cold, hard cash, saved up
and sitting in a bank account for a rainy day and as insurance/buffer for that
day when you say “Enough is enough. I hate this job and want to go save the
Amazon/boost the literacy levels of indigenous Australians/run a NFP café
called The Golden Quince which teaches hospitality skills to unemployed
ex-factory workers”. Make sure you have a year’s worth of living expenses –
MINIMUM – in your bank account at any time. This doesn’t just insure you
against injury or disability (by all means, get a policy for that if you’re not
already covered), it insures you against brain snaps where you shove the
proverbial 15” black rubber dildo in your manager’s face and tell him/her to go
fuck him/herself before storming out of the office to reinvent yourself as an artisan cheese-maker. Money = Freedom = Autonomy.
6. Humanity (as a
virtue). Say “please” and “thank-you” to wait-staff or anyone else who
serves you. Be polite and deferential to your friends’ parents. Write real
letters and send cards. Don’t forget birthdays. Don’t order “off the menu” if
the restaurant is packed and the waiter looks harried, or if it’s a set menu
arrangement. Don’t be a twat to people who serve you food. Unless you are a
rock-star, knock that shit off. Think about the person you are buying gifts
for. Conversely if you suspect your friends and family are struggling to find
you that perfect something, tell them what you want. Be honest about how you
feel but be careful about telling people how they should act. Don’t be a twat
to your loved ones or colleagues. Give direct feedback in the moment or don’t
give any at all. Clean up your own messes, but don’t be afraid to pitch in and
clean up other people’s messes. Try not to be passive-aggressive. Shake hands
and look people in the eye. Hug, kiss, touch and pat. Ignore the inappropriate erection.
WHAT DOESN’T MATTER
1. Status. When
you’re punctual, friendly, polite, humane and fun to be around, what does it
matter what you do for a crust? Stay the hell off Facebook. If you sit and
compare your own achievements to those of your friends, you will go mad. Ignore
parents, friends and family who are into that shit and whose conversation is
all about “who does what and who earns what”. Dump ‘em (see 2. People)
2. Expensive
possessions. Forget the Tag Heuer watch, the latest iPad yadda yadda. Money
should buy you freedom and autonomy and escape from the things you don’t want to do, not more
crap that fills your house up and needs replacing every two years. (See 5.
Money)
3. Family. Let me
explain – be good to your family and treat them well. But don’t forget: you
didn’t ask to be born so you didn’t choose your relatives in the same way you chose
your friends. If you genuinely love them, then treat them well and show them
you care. If, however, they are awful people with whom you share nothing but a DNA
link, then hanging around them just because culture/society/obligation dictates
this is the ‘right thing to do’ is insane. You have nothing to feel guilty
about just because you choose to spend your time with other people. Don’t hurt
them. Consider your humanity. Don’t be a tool. But also, don’t feel ashamed or
guilty for feeling the way you do. Avoid them if you must. It’s okay.
4. Missing out. If
you feel overwhelmed by the amount of experiences on offer, the amount of
information on the interwebs, the amount of cafes and dude-food restaurants in
Melbourne’s Northern suburbs, the amount of hot, eligible singles in your
suburb and the amount of craft beers on offer at your local taphouse that’s
fine. Sometimes it’s hard to tune all that stuff out. But if you start getting
upset or resentful about the prospect that you will never get to experience,
read, eat, screw or drink everything
that’s available, all I can say to you is ‘calm the fuck down’. Enjoy what you
have and what is to hand. Stop pining or craving EVERYTHING, ‘cos you’re just
not going to have it all. Be choosy. Be accepting. “If you can’t be with the
one you love, love the one you’re with.” That includes the burger you’re
enjoying in St Kilda - so stop pining for the burger in Collingwood.
There it is, people. My grand unifying theory of Dustiness.
I’m off to scour the interwebs for a suitable ‘toy’ to wave in my manager’s
face while I think about where my next craft beer and burger are coming from.
