Bullshit Bingo - Part 2

It seems my recent rant has prompted some friends and readers to send me some of their special workplace cliches, plus pet grammatical beefs fit for a follow-up post.  Big thanks to Red, Shaggy and some workplace colleagues (who haven't yet been assigned DV-nicknames) for the following contributions:

"Fire drill" - American corporate speak for "complete waste of time". This hasn't yet made it to our shores. Though I think this is rather witty, I can't understand why we can't just all say: "a complete waste of time"...

"Around" used as an oblique substitution for "about" - this had gone unnoticed by yours truly, but since it was brought to my attention, I've noticed it more and more. Grrr.

"Invite" as a noun. Emphasis on the first syllable. It's a verb, people. The noun form is "invitation", got it?

"Have the conversation" or the more specific "have that conversation"- What? You mean, talk?

"Bring it to life". This is a weird one, and I blame the rise of so-called storytelling in the workplace - this notion that we need to infuse our presentations with personal anecdote and drama in order to emotionally connect with our colleagues. Jesus. "Bring it to life" conjures images of corpses strapped to gurneys, hooked up to wires and levers, ripe and ready for zapping electrocution-style re-animation. The next person who uses this in my presence will get a zapping - in the nuts.

Special mentions go to "low hanging fruit", calling someone or referring to oneself as a "thought leader" and, despite having been ridiculed mercilessly by the writers of '30 Rock' for seven seasons, the ever-present "synergy".

Dusty's Register of New Workplace Cliches - Bullshit Bingo redux.

You all know Bullshit Bingo right? The game we all play to scoff at mid-level managers who rely on stock phrases and cliches in their efforts to sound important and influential in the workplace? Phrases like "run it up the flagpole", "take a helicopter view" and "blue-sky thinking" used to make all right-thinking people want to laugh and scream simultaneously. 

Trust me when I tell you, it's gotten worse. Far, far worse. So here is Dusty's Register of New Workplace Cliches (now with extra editorialising). Feel free to drop them into your Bullshit Bingo template at www.bullshitbingo.net.

And if you feel brave, try them as part of a workplace drinking game...

Here goes:

• "space" and "playing in this space" - unless we're talking about the outer reaches of the galaxy, and you are Han Solo and Princess Leia, fuck this expression right off.
• "piece" - piece of what? Oh, I know...Piece. Of. Shit.
• "from a <insert generic noun> perspective" - when a work colleague's  husband died last year, our manager actually said, and I'm not joking: "[colleague] hasn't yet advised what [colleague] plans to do from a funeral perspective". Tell me this doesn't make you want to hang your head in shame and then strangle yourself from the nearest door knob with your bra/jock strap.
• "operating rhythm" - since when did we all become bass players?
• "take ownership" - do you mean take some fucking responsibility for your fucking work or better yet, admit your fuck-ups?
• "journey" - Can I be Odysseus/Jason and have my pick of hot sailors for the next 20 years?
• "moving forward / going forward" - where do I start with this one? I would like to substitute this one with the phrase "moonwalking backwards"
• "aligned" or "aligns with" or "aligns to" - makes me want to shove a spirit level or a pot of wallpaper paste up the arse of anyone who uses this word outside of the field of carpentry
• "put a lens over it" or variation: "through a <insert word> lens" - Jesus...
• "bandwidth" unless actually referring to network / data usage this is really another word for "enough time in my day", yes?
• "baseline" as a verb (and the oft-used malarkey "baselining" or "re-baselining")
• "skin in the game" - because we're all secretly Buffalo Bill-type serial killers
• "re-litigate" - do we mean "start again because the first person to do it delivered a pile of steaming hot dogshit?"
• "embed" and "embedment"
• "flow" and "flow-on impact or effect" - 'cos we're all Yogis now...
• "impact" as a verb or "impactful" as an adjective - I have given up avoiding this altogether and concede defeat, which is why I am hoping this rant will impact you all to eliminate once and for all these weaselly phrases from your life and your work.

Bullshit!!!!!