Lately I’ve been wondering if I should start my own version
of the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - tool used by
mental health professionals), which carefully and methodically lists all the weird
mental stuff you experience when you hit middle age.
I don’t wish to belittle the seriousness of Narcissistic
Personality or Acute Stress or Adjustment disorders, it’s just that I find
there are some conditions which begin to afflict us in middle-age, conditions which
disrupt our daily lives, which require identification and description.
Followed by compassion and understanding…
Here goes:
Laundry Alzheimer’s
- decided to take advantage of off-peak
power rates and put on a load of whites overnight? Went to work the next
morning and forgot all about them? Suddenly remembered them when you got home
after work and then forgot about them again until after dinner? If this is
happening to you, you have Laundry
Alzheimer’s – closely related to Ironing
‘Did I turn it off?’ Dementia.
Audial Deprivation
Rage – when you shout into a wardrobe, under a hot shower, over a flushing
toilet, into a cupboard or while bending over a sock drawer, yet still believe
your spouse can comfortably hear and understand you three rooms away AND THEN
GETTING ANGRY WHEN THEY CAN’T is insane. It’s not them, it’s you. You are the
crazy one. Deal. (In this case, I
need to deal… my deepest apologies, Muddy.)
Parking Fee Payment Syndrome
– this begins with a strange involuntary spasm
that courses through your body when you see what you’re expected to pay for a
couple of hours of parking at the airport, hospitals, CBD etc. It then culminates
in 20 minutes of misted-over vision, mild Tourette’s and excessive gripping of
the steering wheel upon exiting the parking lot.
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