NYC as observed through a dusty venetian…

Now that I’ve arrived home safe and sound, I’d like to take this moment to share some anthropological observations about New Yorkers and their extraordinary city.
I’d normally apologise in advance for any latent or overt prejudice in the next few paragraphs, but frankly, I can’t be bothered. 

If you’re easily offended, you shouldn’t be reading this blog in the first place…

1.    The New York City subway is brilliant. Cheap, safe and easy to use, the carriages are remarkably free of graffiti and filth. Sure, you may want to coat your hands in sanitizer five times an hour, but a bit of bacteria won’t kill you. (Using a Myki Card in Melbourne, however, probably will).

Subway stations, tracks and platforms on the other hand, are feral – do not go expecting pink marble statuary sourced from the Urals, 1930s bronze sculptures or Art Deco chandeliers ala Moscow or St Petersburg. Far from it. These are decrepit and depressing. That they haven’t yet collapsed is nothing short of a miracle.

2.    African-American men in NYC will provide unsolicited compliments about one’s boots, leather-trimmed pants, leopard-print raincoats (“dey’s some f-i-i-i-ne boots you got dere”) etc. but will not help you if you ask for directions on the subway or in the street. Ever. Forget making eye-contact.

3.    The streets are numbered, not named, and designed as a grid, so there is no excuse for getting lost. You. Cannot. Get. Lost. In. NYC. No chance. As long as you are functionally numerate and know your points on a compass, you will never be far from your hotel or a subway stop. (NB: Red assures me things can get quite confusing south of 14th Street and around East/West Village – naming conventions change and sometimes repeat.)

4.    Tina Fey /30 Rock is a big fat liar. African-American women do not have crazy long talon-like fingernails. You lie, Tina Fey, you lie!!!!!!!!!!

5.    If you are a single/available man (or even a married one who likes to look/stray/perv) or a single/available lesbian, you will not be short of eye-candy or sexual choice in New York City. This town is a veritable smorgasbord of female youth and beauty, and explained the perennial shit-eating grin on Red K’s face every time I shared this observation with him. They are everywhere – confident, well-dressed, beautiful, aggressive, young (or at least young-looking) and open to all experiences. Violet Lounge described the women as ‘predatory’.

The ratio is something astonishing – 8 women to a man. Red knows this - indeed, every warm-blooded straight man with a fully-functioning penis knows this. So with great apologies to all wives, mistresses, ‘main squeezes’ and girlfriends out there - this is the dating mother lode for all men.

6.    There is no ‘Noo Yawk’ accent. If there was once, it has now been well and truly subsumed by the ethnic Babel-soup that is New York City in the 21st Century.

7.    You will not walk as much anywhere else as you will in New York City. No way.

8.    There is little to no good coffee there. The café au lait at Le Pain Quotidien comes close, and Buvette in West Village was good, but this is no Melbourne, people. Expect massive caffeine-flavoured disappointments.

9.    Wine and spirits shops in Manhattan are limited. Small, narrow in stock and range, there is nothing on the island to compare to Dan Murphy’s or even  supermarket-style BWS ala Woolworths. Tiffany and Red took me to a liquor store in York, Pennsylvania, which looked impressive on the outside but only sold copious quantities of beer, cider and some wine inside (including cooler-style mixed drinks).  My young companions explained that in Pennsylvania, spirits must be sold separately, according to their licensing laws. Also, it appears everyone gets pinged for ID when buying booze – be it in a bar, or club or store.  Not sure if this is cause for one to be flattered, insulted or annoyed by the inevitable request to flash ones passport…

10.  This town (indeed this country) is full of distractions.  One evening when we were out, I observed that if I lived in Manhattan I would be out every night and every day I wasn’t working, drinking up everything this vibrant city has to offer. Red (with that trademark amused expression he wears every time I open my mouth) assured me that while it’s easy to think that, there are SO MANY  distractions competing for your attention at any given minute, that even a high-energy novelty-seeker / culture-vulture like me might find it hard to focus and start to tire after a while.

It’s easy to say that when you’re holidaying but a vastly different experience when you’re working and living there. Sometimes it’s just equally important to sit on the proverbial futon, tune-out the noises and decompress. Point taken, Red. You are as wise as you are handsome.

There it is, folks, NYC as seen through the narrow slats of a dusty venetian blind. Hope it's been illuminating.